Sigh
by cryurname
Summary: Zoë continues to avoid the reality of her husband's death. She even goes so far as to put herself in danger. Mal realizes that something has to be done to help her, but it's not up to him...


Mal, Zoë, and Jayne walked up to Serenity's cargo bay, the blast doors opening to reveal Kaylee. As they entered the cargo bay, Zoë and Jayne got to storing the cargo.

Kaylee hit the button to close the blast doors. "What happened?" she asked, a worried look on her face.

Mal hit the comm button, "Take us out of here, little albatross." Serenity started to take off as he turned back to Kaylee. He opened the right flap of his coat, revealing a bullet hole, the bullet narrowly missing his leg. "There was shootin'."

"I don't understand, Cap'n. Thought this was supposed to be an easy pick-up."

"They're all supposed to be easy pick-ups. Never are. Third party got involved and created us a messy situation."

Zoë and Jayne finished storing the cargo and walked back over to Mal and Kaylee. "Cargo stored, sir," Zoë said.

As Kaylee turned to look at Zoë, she saw blood trailing down her arm. "Zoë, you're hurt."

"Lucky it's all she got," Jayne muttered.

Mal silenced Jayne with a glare. "We all got jobs on this boat. Ain't paying you to stand around."

"I'll make sure Simon has the lab prepped," Kaylee said softly as she left the bay, Jayne following her.

As Zoë stared to leave, Mal stopped her, "Could've been prevented ya know."

Zoë turned to face him, "What's that, sir?"

"That whole fight. It didn't have to happen. You pulled your gun first. You wanted a fight." Mal paused. "You wanted to step into the line of fire."

"Wouldn't do that, sir. Just trying to do my job."

"Last time I checked, your job didn't entail gettin' yourself killed." Mal paused, and it was clear this conversation was hard for him. "Are you with me, Zoë?"

"Till the end, sir."

"Question is, is the end gonna come sooner than it's supposed to."

Zoë didn't respond but continued to look ahead, to look past the Captain.

"Go get your arm fixed. While you're there, talk to the doc about how much you're eatin' and sleepin'."

"Sir, I don't think that..."

"That's an order."

"Yes, sir."

Mal watched as Zoë left the bay, heading towards the infirmary. Mal sighed, a look of worry, sorrow, and guilt on his face. He'd never seen Zoë like this, not even during the war. Of course, she'd never lost this much before. She'd never had this much to lose.

He couldn't help but blame himself for Wash's death. It was his plan that had gotten him killed. The look on Zoë's face as the harpoon slammed into her husband's chest was forever burned into his brain. He saw part of her die that day. What was left of her wanted to die, too.

--------------------

Zoë entered the infirmary silently, Simon not even noticing that she had entered the room. He almost jumped when he turned around and saw her there. "Oh, Zoë, I uh, didn't see you come in."

She didn't reply but, instead, rolled up her sleeve so Simon could fix her arm. He walked over to her and examined her arm. He muttered to himself, "Bullet went clean through...Just need to clean it up and bandage it."

Zoë still didn't reply, staring off into space as he cleaned and wrapped her arm. He broke the silence by asking, "How are you sleeping?"

She didn't look at Simon, but said, "Captain spoke to you."

"He just wants to make sure you're all right." Simon didn't mention that Mal was also worried about her mental state.

"I didn't realize that I needed an entire crew of people to manage how much I sleep."

"It's not that. Everyone just cares about you, that's all."

"Then I wish they would stop."

Simon sighed as he walked over to a drawer and pulled out a bottle of pills. He walked over to Zoë, took out two pills, and handed them to her. "Take these before you go to bed tonight. Then come talk to me in the morning, tell me how they worked for you. Oh, and, uh, try to eat something before you take them."

As Simon turned to clean up the infirmary, Zoë slid the pills onto a tray and then left the room.

------------------------

Mal headed towards the cockpit to relieve River for the night. She stood up and he slid into the pilot's seat. As he took over the controls, he realized she was still standing there. "Something on your mind, little one?"

River sat down in the co-pilot's seat, curling up into a ball. "You're worried."

A small smile came over Mal's face. "I have a stressful job. Captain-y things and such."

"That's not what you're worried about. Clock ticks by and you wonder. Why do you wonder? You know."

"You ain't crazy no more. Talk normal." Mal did realize that was she said was talking pretty normal for her. The girl was just too gorram smart for her own good.

"She doesn't sleep," River said softly.

"Your brother gave her something to help her with that."

"She didn't take the pills."

Mal knew she wouldn't. Zoë never wanted help, never thought she needed it. And as time went by...well, she was getting harder and harder to reach.

"He's gone," River said.

"I thought stating the obvious was Jayne's job."

"Even after he died, he was here. Part of Serenity. But she gradually found each piece of him and made those pieces disappear. Seeing him everywhere hurt her too much. But not seeing him at all...it's killing her. She denies...no room to let go. Not yet."

River spoke in riddles and it scared Mal that he was starting to understand her. She stood up, her bare feet making no sound as she glided across the cockpit floor. Mal's words stopped her from leaving the room. "Anyone asks, I had to explain the situation to you."

River smiled, "No one would believe that." She then turned and left. Mal sat in silence, the stars his only company as he thought about what River had said. All traces of Wash on the ship were now gone. All of his clothes had been given to the needy on some rock, his dinosaurs given to the children there. Any vid captures had been hidden away in drawers and boxes. Sentimental things, such as his pilot's license and things from his childhood, were sent to his family. The spirit of Wash had been pushed out of Serenity.

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Mal stood on the bridge, the little albatross back in the pilot's seat. He picked up the comm unit and said, "We'll be arriving on Persephone within the hour. Should be about 9:00 in the AM. Not a long visit. Pick up supplies and post---get in, get out. We got cargo to get rid of on another rock." He hung up the comm unit and headed to the kitchen.

He arrived in the kitchen and saw Simon and Zoë at the table and Inara over at the counter making a cup of tea. Simon gave him a look and he glanced over at Zoë. She had a full plate of food in front of her and she hadn't even touched it.

He slid the fingers of his right hand down one of his suspender straps. "Food looks good. That can only mean one thing--you cookin' for us again, Inara?"

Inara smiled at him, one of her dark brown curls coming close to falling in front of her face. "I received a box of fresh fruit from a client. I thought it might help make a nice breakfast."

Mal bit back a comment about her client. He found himself doing that a lot lately. Pity, too; it had been a funny one. Instead, he said, "Well, wait until little Kaylee sees those strawberries. Her face is gonna light up...and then she'll appear uncomfortably erotic."

Zoë suddenly slid her chair back, standing up and heading towards the door. Mal almost put his hand on her shoulder to stop her, but thought better of it. Didn't need any broken fingers. Instead, he said, "Gonna be ready to leave, Zoë?"

She turned to face him, "Didn't know it was required, sir."

"It isn't. Just thought you might want to get off the ship for something other than a job."

"Plenty to do around here." That being said, she left the kitchen. Mal didn't even bother to turn and face Simon and Inara. He didn't need to see the expressions on their faces. They were all thinking the same thing.

-----------------------

Zoë sat at the kitchen table, her guns laid out in front of her. As she shined her sawed-off, she was grateful for the silence that had settled in through out the ship. She was grateful for the lack of pitiful stares, the tip-toeing around her, the constant questions. If not for this relief, she was sure her head would have exploded.

"_I'm a leaf on the wind, watch---"_

She blinked rapidly, polishing the gun harder and faster.

"_I'm a leaf on the wind, watch---"_

She shook her head, trying to drive the image of her husband being impaled by the harpoon from her mind. She felt bile rise up in the back of her throat. His face. Wash's beautiful face horror-stricken as he realized he was dying. His body slumped forward in his blood-soaked flight suit...

Zoë swallowed hard. She wasn't going to do this. She vowed never to do this. She wasn't going to break down, she was going to keep moving...keep working...

Thoughts of Wash continued to flood her mind. Did he feel a lot of pain? He must have... Was he afraid? Living one moment...dying the next. Did he regret taking this job? Did he worry about leaving her behind? Did he know how much she loved him, above everything else?

Zoë stopped polishing the gun and stared down at it. She missed him. Was she breathing? She wasn't sure she could anymore. Maybe she didn't need to breathe. She was dead anyway. She was in the ground, her heart slowly decaying as she held his slowly decaying hand.

She continued to stare down at the gun. One bullet. That's all it would take. They would be together and she would be complete again. Just one bullet. She started to lift up the gun...

"_I love my wife."_

"_Here lies my beloved Zoë, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpse-ified and gross..."_

"_Maybe a naked beach."_

"_We'll be in our bunk."_

"_You with the bathing, me with the watching you bathe..."_

"_Work, work, work..."_

The sound of footsteps behind her made her spin around, her gun now pointed at the intruder.

"Think you could point that somewhere else? Get shot at enough as it is." Mal stood at the entrance to the kitchen.

Zoë quietly put the gun back on the table. "Sorry, sir. Didn't know you were back."

"Ah, that's okay. Wasn't the first time you aimed your gun at my head, probably won't be the last." She didn't respond, so he continued. "Didn't mean to interrupt. Just wanted to give you this." Mal set a package down on the table. Zoë slowly slid it over in front of her and opened it. She gasped when she saw what was inside the box: a tiny flight suit. There was a note attached to it that said: I'm ready when you are.

Mal spoke softly, "Wash saw it in a store before he---. He had it shipped to you...he wanted to surprise you. Never saw him so excited...didn't think he'd be able to keep it a secret..." He swallowed. "So I'll let you get back to..." He cut himself off and left the room.

Zoë took the tiny suit out of the box with gentle hands, a sigh escaping from her lips. All of the feelings she had been fighting were suddenly unavoidable. She pressed the flight suit to her chest as she started to cry. A soft cry that became louder and louder until she was suddenly sobbing. She cried for her husband. She cried for the child they would never have. And she cried for herself.

As Mal walked away, he heard the sobs coming from the kitchen. As much as he wanted to turn around and be there for his first mate, he knew she needed to do this alone. She needed to grieve. And he was grateful for Wash, grateful that he was still taking care of his wife, even in death.


End file.
